


Filthy philistine snack

by VulpesKorsak



Series: SebSte stupidity and smut [1]
Category: The Evil Within (Video Game)
Genre: AU: Sebastian and Stefano's quest for Lily in the STEM, Attempt at Humor, Established Relationship, Gen, M/M, Oreos are awesome, Seb is a troll, Sebastian is loosing it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-01-31 23:23:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12692325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VulpesKorsak/pseuds/VulpesKorsak
Summary: Stefano reunites with his favourite snack but at what cost...





	Filthy philistine snack

**Author's Note:**

  * For [devaway](https://archiveofourown.org/users/devaway/gifts).



> For lovely marlowemckennon's promt "Stefano's favourite food"

The STEM wasn't particularly stable that day, so the outskirts of the town  
were cracking and its pieces were flying all around. Stefano was stranding through  
Union. He was extremely frustrated as the latest art piece, that he was creating right ouside Sebastian's window in their safe house wishing to surprise him, was burned to the ground by some fire throwing zombie bastard. Sebastian sure was surprised but the piece was ruined forever. And now he had to find inspiration for his next masterpiece.  
In the place filled with disfigured  
bodies and walking and moaning monstrosities something surely would give some ideas. Stefano's pace was slow as he looked  
around hoping to locate something that would catch his attention.  
"No... no... nothing here either", he mumbled. "Oh! That's- just a pile of trash..."  
He groaned in frustration kicking the bag that tricked him. The groan  
immediately became that of pain. Being shot in the head? Pffff. Hitting your foot on  
something hard and metalic hidden in the trash? Yeah, that's real pain. And the tip of his shoe was now  
scratched!  
"What a day! No inspiration, no art, only frustration and a need for some new shoes...", he thought as he  
flung his leg on the railing right by the edge of the broken world to examine the damage. And then something suddenly  
came into his view. He froze in place for a good minute unable to believe his own  
eye. Behind the railing, that once was a part of a large house, the ground  
collapsed. Most of the house was nowhere to be found but the kitchen was still  
floating just a couple meters away from the beginning of the abyss. Half of the kitchen  
was in ruins, table and chairs lying in pieces on the floor. However, on  
top of the untouched fridge there was a box. A relatively big box of Oreos. Double  
Stuf Oreos, mind you. The sight made his mouth water as he wondered when was  
the last time he had even seen an Oreo cookie. Perfectly sweet white filling... Mindblowing chocolate wafers... Mmm... He used to be absolutely crazy about those... Stefano shook his head trying to get  
rid of the desire for this filthy philistine snack. But it didn't really help. He phased  
through the air and landed in the middle of the floating room, approached the  
fridge but quickly stopped and turned his back to the box, collecting his thoughts  
to just leave it be. Convinced that the urge is over the artist activated his ability  
determined to go back to the main land and continue his search. When the teleport  
was over he found himself by the fridge again, box in his hands slightly shaking with excitement.  
"They must be all spoilt by now", he tried assuring himself seconds before pulling  
out his favourite knife and impatiently slicing through the box.

...............................................................................................

Castellanos remembered the moment he saw the now friendly (kinda) psycho enter the building. He was  
too busy crafting bullets to pay close attention, but only now he realized that something  
was off. Stefano's behavior patterns did not include carefully opening the door,  
greeting his partner with a simple quick "Hello" and unnoticeably disappearing  
from his sight. No, whenever Stefano entered the room after long enough absence, it  
was impossible not to notice him. He would brag about some gory new material he was  
able to obtain, shove detached body parts into Seb's face or find other ways to  
mock him for not understanding his art. But today when he returned, he was awfully humble. Nice even? Something definately was wrong. Sebastian decided to investigate, secretly hoping that the artist being in high spirits would  
lend him his teleportation ability to reach an angel statue stuck on the rooftop of  
their new safe house.  
Softness of his every step became an accidental habit  
of his ever since the Beacon incident. Not a single board creaked under his feet as Sebastian walked towards the room  
the artist claimed for himself. Sebastian quietly opened the door after deciding that it would be kinda rude to kick it open right before asking for help.  
Stefano liked this safe house the most as  
it was very spacious and had several rooms to choose  
from. The room was furnished fancily (though the detective couldn't quite figure out where he found all those things and how he got them upstairs) and was definately cleaner than it had ever been before Stefano's intervention.  
Stefano was sitting on the large classy bed, deep red bedsheets commemorating his so called Crimson Period, and munching on something in his hand. In  
less than a few seconds Sebastian experienced two of Stefano's rarest emotions and couldn't believe his eyes. At first Valentini looked... genuinely happy. Not  
cocky, not annoyed, not bored, not even flirtily lewd. Just happy. Licking some cookie-like object, his eye closed. But the second he opened it and noticed Sebastian,  
who wasn't really hiding at all, just trying not to drop his jaw completely, his face  
morphed into some weird kind of fear that is usually exclusive to little kids, caught  
red handed eating sweets before dinner. Not psychotically artistic serial killers.  
Immediately he shoved the remains of whatever he was holding in  
his mouth and kicked some kind of blue box under the bed with the heel of his  
boot. Sebastian got a bit closer and now was able to see an Oreo wrapping with just  
half of the cookie, licked clean of its white filling, behind Stefano. He turned back to see the  
bloodshed loving killer with his mouth full of Oreo desperately trying to swallow it  
all. His brain connected the dots and suddenly the man shrieked in  
laughter, remembering how the other recently scolded him for drinking "that disgusting cheap coffee". He couldn't stop laughing for quite some time while Stefano, bright red, chewed it to the point of being able to swallow  
"So, fellow philistine, are you busy right now?", Sebastian asked, trying to calm  
down as he looked at the highly distressed artist.  
Stefano, now his mouth empty, looked gradually more and more pissed with every  
second.  
"It's jst... I was... these fucking cookies!", his face got even more red as he looked up at  
the laughing man. "W-whatever! What do you want from me?!"  
"There is a statue on the roof", said Sebastian finally reaching zen.  
"Go find a ladder!", Valentini spat out sharply, calming down just a bit. "I'm not here to fetch random crap  
for you."  
"Oh, come on! You shouldn't get so upset!", the detective grinned. "I mean, I know I  
interrupted your true art of licking that cookie clean and-"  
"Alright," Stefano sighed in annoyance and walked to the door. "I'll help you  
out... just shut up already."  
"Sorry, sorry," the grin became even wider, eyes shining with mischief. "But I bet you  
are the best in town at licking off that sweet white creamy goodness-"  
"Really?!", Stefano exclaimed, extremely flustered. "Are you a fucking  
teenager?!"  
"I should be offended! But how can I be?", Sebastian mimiced and started to crack up again, but  
quickly changed his mind. His eyes narrowed and his smile became sly unexpectedly even for himself.  
"I wonder if I can... look at your performance closer next time..."

**Author's Note:**

> Why is everything in STEM supposed to be so dark and disturbing? Just let Stefano have his cookies!  
> Thank you for reading this monstrosity! I made it purely for fun, so yeah, it's really stupid.  
> If you see a mistake, point it out to me, please. It's my very first fanfic and I'm also Russian, so my English is most likely not even close to anything like native.


End file.
